Chapter Text
"The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it.
So stay away from me
the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it."
Monster - Skillet
I've always hated hide and seek, when I was a little girl I was never any good at it no matter what roll I had. I was always the first one to be found, and the one who took the longest to seek. I think that is why I hate it now.. the memories it brings up. When I close my eyes I can still picture that last game my siblings and I got to play together. I can feel the heat of the desert sun softly burning my skin, the sand that always stuck in my clothes carried on the wind. I can still smell the dry, chalky and slightly sweet smell of my homeland, the moistureless air still stings my taste buds. It effectively takes me back to what I still consider the worst day of my life, the day everything went wrong...
"Kairi-chan, hurry up!" Kankuro complained, throwing his voice into a shadowy corner not far from where I stood. I had already checked there, I knew he wasn't in the shadows but I still kicked a rock towards where his voice had sounded. I had kicked it so hard that it bounced off the wall and skipped over the sand, a wish that with enough force he may still feel it wherever he hid
I wanted to cry, I'd been searching for my brother and sister for well over fifteen minutes now and to a six year old this felt like years. Temari had been 'it' first, she'd found me instantly, lifting the lid of the urn I'd hid in and rolling her eyes. "You really make this too easy, you know?"
Temari was the most gifted at the game, and never remained 'it' for very long. Our father said it was because she had the will of the wind inside of her, Temari told us it whispered to her and told her where we hid. Kankuro wasn't bad either, he was always the hardest to find. Although my little brother is impatient and cannot keep his big mouth shut, he has learned to throw his voice so that you cannot tell where it came from. This new skill was purely to my dismay as that used to be the only way I could find him.
I was the oldest out of my siblings, and I was supposed to be the heir to the village. Our village is hidden in the vast desert of the Land of Wind, it is a hot and arid place called Sunagakure. My father is Lord Rasa, the honored Fourth Kazekage, in my village that title has been passed down through my family for generations. Our family has been in power for so long that our clan name was forgotten and we are simply called the 'Kazekage Clan.' My destiny was to be Lady Kairi, Fifth Kazekage of Sunagakure, so you can see how embarrassing it is to constantly be outshined by my siblings. It was like I was carrying around pins in my heart, and every now and then they would pierce. It wasn't an easy pain to understand as a child, when all I wanted to do was make my father proud but failed at every turn.
It was another five minutes before I thought I got a clue in our game, a flash of red caught my eye. Temari was wearing a black kimono with a red belt that day, her bow had ribbons that would blow in the breeze, that's what I saw out of the corner of my eye, just a flash of red as it passed above my head. "Temari! You're not allowed to change hiding spots!" I whined, beginning to climb the wall of the building in front of me.
At six I had barely any chakra control, everyone in my age group were leagues ahead of me. I'd even seen my younger sister focus her chakra in her feet and use it to walk up the side of a wall. I didn't have that skill, so I had to climb it the old fashioned way. One hand and one foot at a time I slowly went, climbing towards the roof I'd seen the flash of red dart onto. I was proud of myself when I reached the top, looking down at the street below as I triumphantly yelled a "AHA! Gotcha Tamari!"
The responding huff of disinterest was not the reaction I'd been expecting, and when I turned to where I thought I'd find my sister it wasn't her blond curly hair that met me but a mess of silver strands haloing a dog-like kabuki mask. I tilted my head in confusion as I took in the appearance of the boy. A red and white porcelain mask hiding the face of a tall, lean male figure. He was dressed in light grey body armor and had a red scarf wrapped around his neck, the scarf I'd mistaken for my sister's belt. He looked to be already a teenager and duel eyes stared at me from under his mask. One eye looked almost black in the shadows while the other shined a bright red, wielding an intensity I'd never seen before.
"Y-You're not Temari.." I stammered out, taking in the stranger. I'd never seen him in my village before, but I had seen masks like that. Visiting diplomats from other villages sometimes wore them when they met with my father.
"Hmm, I guess you're not as dumb as you look." The boy said with a bored tone, his words only slightly muffled by his mask.
Those words hurt, nobody spoke to me like that. "I'm not dumb!" I protested, stomping my foot to emphasize the point.
He laughed a little, it was a harsh and cold 'heh' sound that seemed laced with sarcasm. It hurt almost as much as being called dumb, to be laughed at in such a way. "You're Kairi right?" He asked, seeming entirely disinterested in my answer. "You would almost think that the daughter of Lord Fourth would be able to find her younger siblings. Honestly, they expect a half wit like you to run this village?"
I glared at him, wishing daggers could really shoot from my eyes. I was so offended and caught off guard that it took me a few seconds too long to stammer out a very weak "Shut up."
He laughed a little louder now, shaking his head as he did. "You're a little runt, you know?"
"Denji!" Another voice broke through his cruel laughter, pulling my teary eyes towards it as yet another masked man landed on the rooftop between us. The new boy had long dark hair, tied back in a damp tail. The sweat in his hair and glistening on his arms further gave away that they were not from here, not used to the heat of my desert. "It is time to go, Lord Rasa has dismissed us."
Hearing my father's name made me perk up, partially forgetting about the cruelness of 'dog-faced Denji for a moment as I focused on the new boy. He was shorter than the first, giving away that he may be younger. "What do you want with my Daddy?" I asked, trying to keep my voice firm and even the same way father did.
"Oh!" The dark haired boy exclaimed as he turned to me, as if just noticing I was there. He also wore a kabuki mask, his was decorated like a cat with cute ears. He didn't have the same duel eyes as the other, both of this boy's eyes were too dark to be seen through the mask. "Hello Kairi! You're such a little cutie, what are you doing all the way up here?" He ruffled up my hair, the way my uncle did when he was joking around with me.
"I'm playing hide and seek!" I proudly informed him, something about that fact seemed like the most interesting thing in the world to us children.
"She's failing at hide and seek." Dog-face added, uninvited to the conversation. This earned him another dagger-like glare from me.
"Denji!" The dark haired boy scolded. "She is only six if I remember correctly, and you cannot speak to the future Lady Kazekage like that."
I puffed up my chest, placing my hands on my hips and sticking my tongue out at Denji. Cat mask was right, I was the future Kazekage and I was the honorable daughter of Lord Fourth Kazekage, nobody had the right to speak to me as if I was lesser. Had my father heard what that boy was saying to me, I imagined he'd feed him to the sand worm Kankuro said lived in the village well.
"I was already a chunin when I was six." He shrugged off the scolding, and successfully deflated my ego.
Already a Chunin at six? That meant he had passed the Chunin exams at that age, I had older cousins that had never came home from the last exam. The sudden realization that this was a very impressive opponent dawned on me.
"You're a bit of a freak though." Cat mask chimed with laughter before he turned back to me, his hand roughing up my hair once again. He knelt down and pulled his mask up, revealing a handsome face with clear skin, deep laugh lines and black eyes that were filled with amusem*nt and kindness. "Your little sister is tucked into the drying laundry, Kankuro is cheating, he is at Baki's eating a big plate of cookies and Gaara is out in the middle of the next street over."
I grinned at him, forgetting to be curious as to how he knew this information. Not only was I ecstatic that he had revealed my siblings hiding places to me, but he'd also informed me about Gaara. My youngest brother was a mirage to me, meaning that since the day he was born we were kept apart. I was so excited at the chance to see him that I leapt into the dark haired boys arms and gave him a hug as a thank you for the information.
"You shouldn't have helped her." The other boy complained, shaking his head. "She needs to learn this kind of stuff if she is ever going to be a powerful kunoichi. If everyone keeps helping her, she will never be able to do it on her own."
Cat-mask shrugged slightly as he stood up and turned to Dog-face. "Eh, she reminds me of Sasuke."
They were both still talking as they headed off towards the village gates. I wasn't even paying enough attention to throw a rock at Denji, I had instead crept over to the other edge of the roof and was staring down into the street. Just as the dark haired boy said he would be, the bright crimson haired little toddler was sitting on his knees in the middle of sand castles that swirled in and out of existence. My father always told us to stay away from him because of that living sand that followed him. He'd told us it was the will of the demon that lived inside my little brother, the demon that was blood thirsty and dangerous to us. I didn't care about that now though, the few times I'd been able to sneak some time with my baby brother had been safe and fun. "Gaara!" I called down to him, unable to keep myself from grinning when he looked up at me with those bright, brilliant blue eyes.
"Kai!" He cooed, stretching tiny arms up towards me as if he was reaching for a hug. I held my breath as I watched his sand react, flinging itself up towards me and wrapping around my body. This was how the little toddler gave hugs, and it was always much too tight but I never complained. I was wrapped in the sun warmed sand and brought down to the ground beside Gaara where it released me.
"What are you doing out here all alone?" I asked him as I leaned down to kiss his little forehead. I cherished these secret moments with him, because being around him also felt like being around our mother.
"U-uncle gone." He managed to sputter out "Gone for work." I grinned, this meant we would have a bit of time together. Gaara lived with my Uncle Yashamaru, who had taken him in at my father's request. "Look, Kai!"
I giggled, loving the short form of my name that my little siblings favored as my eyes followed where Gaara was pointing. Shapes began to take form in his sand, I could make out four. The first was the smallest, and I knew that it was Gaara. The second was a little taller, and seemed to be wearing a cat-like hood which I knew to be Kankuro, still wearing the hat my mother had made for him. The third had three spike like pigtails and I knew that one was Temari, because she loved to wear her hair like that. That left the last one, the one with the long hair blowing in the wind to be me. The sand-kids played together, it looked like a game of tag as they constantly chased each other in a loop until a fifth shape popped up. From the rigidness in his body I knew it was father. He pulled the older three away from the little Gaara, and it looked like he was shouting at the toddler. It was so close to reality, what always happened when we were playing together that it hurt to see.
"Bad daddy." Gaara growled, dropping down his fist on the image of Rasa.
"Gaara no!" I cried, feeling the need to defend my father. He could be stern, and cruel but I believed he loved us with everything he had. That's what mama used to tell me whenever he was upset with me. I hated watching Gaara destroy him so easily.
Gaara shoved me, not hard enough to make me fall over but enough that I got mad. I pushed him back, forgetting how much older I was and sent him skidding back a few inches onto his butt where he began to wail. His sobs choked me up, triggering my protective instinct as I rushed to his side and tried to help him up.
"Don't touch me!" His broken words said. "I hate you!" He didn't have to say them properly for me to understand the message.
I felt the heat of that sand again, only this time it was burning as it began to cocoon my body. The small grains scraped over my skin, drawing the mass of it tightly around me and pulling me away from my brother. I didn't even get the chance to scream before it swallowed me whole, putting pressure on every limb, every bone in my body. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move and I couldn't cry. I felt sand in my ears, forcing its way up my nose, clawing down my throat as I still tried to scream. The pressure tightened, my bones made popping noises from every direction. I was suffocating, drowning, choking and being crushed all at the same time, and I knew I was going to die. 'Everyone will die someday.' That's what father had told us about mother, it made sense to me then but now it wasn't fair. I hadn't lived long enough, I hadn't even got to show my father that I was worthy of his love.
"Gaara!" I heard my uncles voice through the popping of my own bones. "Gaara who is in there?! Stop, please stop!"
"Kai." My baby brother whimpered. "I-I can't"
I felt a small pocket of relief at my side as my uncle's words, closer now assured me that he was here and I would be alright. In defiance of my uncle, the sand seemed to squeeze tighter than before and I felt the worst pain in my chest. I wanted to cry out but the sand had already worked into my lungs as if it were absorbing me. I felt myself slipping away, the pain starting to dull as I lost consciousness. Instead of fear I felt excitement at the prospect of being reunited with mom.
